Message From the Universe

I told my wife that I keep seeing our daughter's former classmates at the store, but now they're all grown up!

"What do you think it means?" I asked my wife.  "Is the Universe trying to tell me something?"

"Yes, you're old."

Ordering Out

My wife is so weird in some ways.

For example, she ordered Chinese food, and I’ve just picked it up.  Normally, when food arrives, the bag is ripped open, and people descend upon it.  Then they start to scarf their meals like a pack of hungry wild dogs.

Not my wife.  She continues doing whatever she was doing before the food arrived.  It’s a lot like how a cat will feign disinterest in dinner and then sneak in later to gulp down the food.

I can’t abide this behavior.  So I’ve decided to leave her alone and write this blog post about it.  Let’s see how long it takes for her to start her meal. 

Is this difference in behavior a male/female thing?  Is it because she’s from New England and I’m from New York, where we open a box of pizza, take a piece, fold it in half, and rip out a huge bite while walking away, causing painful burns on the roof of our mouths in the process?

I came home with the food at least 15 minutes ago.  She asked just now, “Do you want to eat with me in the living room?”  “Okay, sure.”   Then she walked in the opposite direction of the kitchen.

Now she’s back in my office with a fistful of papers that need to be filed.  She’s talking about hiring a new helper.

[tick, tick, tick…] Now, finally, I hear her in the kitchen, more than twenty minutes after I’ve set the Chinese food onto the table.  But still there’s no indication that food is on her mind.

It’s as if the food is a visit to the dentist, or a tax return to be filed.  Why is she avoiding it?

I’m shaking my head in total confusion.

[much time passes]

She finally sits down.  Then she abruptly gets up, “I forgot a plate for the cat.”

She sits down again.  Then, once again, she abruptly gets up, “I forgot my drink.”

She sits.  She fidgets a bit, then uses the remote to switch channels.  Commercial.  Switch.  Commercial.  Switch.  Commercial.  All this time she’s still not eating.

Finally she started to eat more than 30 minutes after I came home with the food.

Ask Amy

The letter to Ask Amy from the mom of a 4-year-old girl that described how her daughter cut her own bangs and then lied about it¹ reminded me of my own hair cutting incident.

I was sick and tired of how my mom’s friends would fawn over my eyelashes.  “Oh, how long and pretty they are!”  “I’d give anything to have eyelashes like that!”  And so, you guessed it, I cut them.

At the dinner table, my mom noticed immediately and reacted strongly: “Did you cut your eyelashes!?  Why did you do that?  You could’ve poked your eye out!”  And so on.

Frankly I was surprised and insulted.  Surprised because I thought they were my eyelashes; why should it be anyone’s business?  And the “poke your eyes out” remark was utterly insulting.  I was anything but a klutz.  I was a “Little Professor” type of boy, always carefully coloring inside the lines, and I (literally) had excellent hand-eye coordination.

Two takeaways here are: children rarely are given the credit they deserve; and showing overt attention to a child can have unexpected consequences.

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¹https://www.chicagotribune.com/2024/04/26/ask-amy-sex-offender-lives-in-the-neighborhood/

Is it NOAA, or Noah?

My area has been experiencing severe and heavy rainfall lately.  So it occurred to me to wonder about the name of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.  Was the intent to have its acronym be a homophone of “Noah,” whom G-d entrusted to build the ark that saved him and his family and Earth’s animals from the Flood?

WIFE: "When is it ever gonna stop raining?"

SPG: "NOAA says it's supposed to rain all weekend."

Brush Your Teeth and Stay Awake

The typical bedtime routine is “brush your teeth and go to bed.”  Unfortunately, the act of brushing my teeth is too invigorating for me to do right before bedtime.  Sometimes I’d skip brushing my teeth at night because I felt it would ruin my sleep cycle.

At first I figured that the problem was with the mint flavor of the toothpaste.  So I bought and used bubblegum-flavored toothpaste.  Alas I still felt revived after using it.  And this was very disappointing because I spent a long time to find toothpaste that’s not minty.

Then I figured the effect was because the water was so cold.  The bathroom is located a bit far from the water heater, and I’m too impatient and too much of a cheapskate to keep the hot water valve open to purge the cold water in that line.  So then I decided to brush my teeth at the kitchen sink, which is right over the water heater and next to the dishwasher.  It was easy to get warm water to rinse my mouth out with.  But then I realized what the real problem is.

The real problem is that the sensation of the nylon bristles rubbing against my gums drives away stupor.  So even eliminating toothpaste and cold water doesn’t help.  The problem remains with the very act of brushing!

But I do wonder why we have an over abundance of mint-flavored toothpaste.  Is it to counteract a sense of nausea?  Or to ensure fresh breath?

Maybe I'm not the only adult that relies on children's toothpaste.  Could this be an untapped market?

Moon Matters

When you know it’s there, you have a better chance of finding it. That’s how it is with the moon.

For many years I thought that Sun ruled the day; Moon ruled the night. But there were times when I’d see the moon during the day. I’d just shrug it off and tell myself, “Huh, that’s odd.” And I’d wonder why it’s not in the news or at least on the weather.

Sometimes my wife and I would notice the moon phases that are printed on some of our calendars. So we’d look for the Full Moon after dark. And we’d put out our collection of crystals so they could soak up the moon energy and get recharged.

I learned the terminology “waxing” and “waning”. I came across the idea that you could ride the energy of the waxing moon; I would plan dinner meetings so they’d take place when the moon was nearly full. It seemed that folks were more likely to register for the event during the First Quarter Moon than at other times. Conversely, when the moon was waning you would withdraw, reflect and release.

I paid attention to the times of moonrise and moonset with the “Phases of the Moon” app. I made sure my bedroom shades were down during the waxing moon so as to avoid getting roused by the gibbous moon at two or three am. (As I write this, it’s 5:19am; the waxing gibbous moon is lighting up low in the western sky.) And I was richly rewarded one pre-dawn morning when I knew that the waning crescent had risen; sure enough I saw it in the East as I swayed my head back and forth to find a break through the trees.

It’s exciting to know that the New Moon rises at dawn and is in the sky during the day. Solar Eclipses occur during a New Moon, when the moon passes between Sun and Earth. And Lunar Eclipses occur during a Full Moon, when the moon and sun are on opposite sides of Earth.

The moon cycle lasts about 28.5 days. On day one, the New Moon rises at dawn (roughly) and sets at twilight. Each day it rises and sets about an hour later. So the next few nights afterward, look for the waxing crescent moon in the West just after sunset. Then, about one week after the New Moon, look for the First Quarter moon just before sunset to see the moon during the day.

I hope you’ll learn more and start to look for the moon at various times during its cycle. Enjoy!

Virtual Visit Back Home

I’d been reminiscing about my childhood – the neighborhood, the house I grew up in, and especially the backyard. So I took a virtual trip “back home” using Google Maps.

Google Maps starts out in Map View. I switched first from Map View to Satellite. The image seemed to have enhanced perspective, so the house seemed taller. It looked as if a second story was added to the 1-level ranch I grew up in. Then I switched to Street View and saw the property as if standing in front of it.

The house itself looked the same. There was no alteration. Because it’s brick, it was the same color. However, the landscape had been redesigned recently. The strip of grass next to the driveway was paved over (I used to park on it anyway). The huge azaleas were replaced with weird-looking topiary plants. The wood fencing that was silvered with decades of sun exposure was replaced with shiny white vinyl fencing. But the most devastating change was this: all the trees were gone. We had four oak trees in a row that we’d hide behind or zig-zag through on our bikes. In fact many trees around the neighborhood were gone. It made me sad.

Adding to the sadness is the fact that the street view images were taken in November, so the few trees that were there were already bare. The photos were taken on a brilliantly sunny day, so the shadows were long, and the images were bleached from over exposure. And no people were about, as if the population was wiped out by a plague – quite a contrast to my memory of how we used to play in the street or stand around and socialize with the neighbors.

You can visit many places with Google Maps, but you can’t go back in time.

Google Maps

What’s New on Top of Your Utility Pole?

What are these bell-shaped objects that we’re starting to see high above intersections with traffic lights?  They’re traffic cameras.  Of course.  Check it out:
https://gridsmart.com/products/the-bell-camera/

Demise of Brick and Mortar Stores

Are Brick and Mortar (B&M) stores partly to blame for their loss of customers to Internet-based stores?  I think so.

While it’s true that B&Ms have higher costs due to maintaining a physical presence and inventory, they also have an advantage in that customers get instant access to purchases.  Also, in the case of one-of-kind product such as produce, buyers get to examine and inspect the merchandise before buying.

I shop both online and at B&Ms.  Here’s why I shop online:

1. It’s easier to find what I need. For example:
1. Unscented antiperspirant is nearly impossible to find at stores near me. B&Ms have replaced unscented product with things called “Phoenix,” “Apollo” and “Gold.” What the heck does Gold smell like and how would it keep me dry? Maybe it’s unscented, like real gold, but I doubt it. Sure I could open each one and smell it. But the number of choices is overwhelming, and I don’t have time for it anyway!
2. My shoe size is almost impossible to find, and I hate shopping for shoes. I’ve been reluctant to buy shoes online because I’ve always wanted to try shoes on before buying. But I bought my latest pair online, and it was so much easier. Plus, they were so marked down in price (probably because they were such an unpopular size) that I was ecstatic.
3. B&Ms waste a lot of shelf space on different brands and flavors of peanut butter. Nowadays you can buy peanut butter that's smooth, crunchy, mixed with jelly, mixed with honey. You have Skippy, Jiff, Teddy Bear, Smuckers and the store brand. Yet how many varieties are there of plain almond butter, not mixed with sugar or palm oil or whatever? Just one – and that was only after the store brought in a machine to make it in-house.
4. I love our local Barnes and Noble, but I buy more stuff at BN.com than in their local B&M. We buy our kitchen calendar from BN.com. It’s so special. It has a magnetic strip to hang on the refrigerator, and is 12” wide with large rectangles for the days of the month. Finding it in the B&M is hit or miss, so we avoid the frustration entirely and get it online.
2. Online items get dropped off in my driveway. I don't need to lift a product into a shopping cart, push it to a cashier, bring it out to the parking lot and then load it into the car. It should be noted that the B&Ms that I shop at have helpful people who will load stuff into customers' cars. Some even offer to do this even without being asked.
3. Repeat delivery and free delivery are so amazingly convenient that I rely on this for cat litter and pet food. These items also fall under item 2, as well.

B&Ms should excel at knowing the needs of the community.  Our local hardware store does this really well.  They know things like the right kind of paint for the climate we're in, the types of wood siding that was popular when the original homes were built, the parts needed to fix light fixtures and values.  I don't bother to look online for hardware-like items unless the guys tell me to.  B&Ms can learn a lot from the hardware store business model.

#NaBloPoMo2019

Medium and Large and Nothing In Between

Look at the typical size chart¹ for men’s underwear, if you will, and tell me if you see anything wrong?

Size	Waist (inches)
S	28 - 30
M	32 - 34
L	36 - 38
XL	40 - 42
2XL	44 - 46
3XL	48 - 50

Well?

Here’s the problem. What do you do if your waist is 31”, 35”, 37” and so on? Fruit of the Loom tells you to select the next larger size. Hanes doesn’t even offer such advice, unless you ask customer service, and then they also advise the next larger size.

I am size 35, which is between M and L. So I bought the larger size, L. But they were too baggy, even after one washing in hot water. They felt like boxer briefs. M (which I bought next) was a better choice for me since I prefer a lower rise brief. M is a bit too snug, but aren’t they're supposed to be "tighty-whities"? So I'll continue to wash the L briefs in hot water each week hoping they'll shrink into the unavailable in between size.

---

¹ This size chart can be found on the following web pages:

https://www.fruit.com/sizeguide

https://www.hanes.com/shop/hanes/hanes-mens-briefs-120442?categoryId=21065#

#NaBloPoMo2019

Smart Dog

My wife and I were making the grocery list.

“We need more canned salmon.  I’ve been eating it, lately,” said my wife.

“Oh, do you make it like tuna salad?”

“No, I just eat it out of the can.”

“Really?” I asked, surprised.  “But it has bones in it!  Do you eat the bones?”

“Yes, I just mash them up, first.”

“Good.  They’re a good source of calcium,” I stated.

Suddenly our dog excitedly ran into the kitchen.  “What’s up with him?” asked my wife.

I smiled when I realized.  He heard us talking about bones.

Smart dog.

#NaBloPoMo2019

Triple Washed

Here's a slogan for producers of packaged lettuce:

"Our lettuce is triple-washed, ensuring that you get the cleanest bugs in the produce industry!"

Crumbs

"A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs.  Doesn't that violate some law of physics?"

- George Carlin

Can't Get Here From There

Whenever I hear journalists discuss Syrian refugees, they usually mention how Turkey and Greece are overwhelmed by the huge number of people, followed by a plea for cities in Europe and USA and even Australia to allow more immigrants.  But I never hear about refugees going to the wealthy middle eastern states of Saudi Arabia (20.5), Qatar (73.7), Kuwait (29.3), UAE (40.4)¹.  Why?  A busload of Syrians can travel from Aleppo to Riyadh in less than one day.

It makes me think the “Muslim Invasion Theory” is real.

Distance from Aleppo to Riyadh: 1570km (20.5)
Distance from Aleppo to New York City: 9000km (56.1)
Distance from Aleppo to Paris: 3145km (36.4)

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¹The numbers in parentheses are the GDPs per capita in thousands of US dollars of the respective countries, according to the World Bank: http://data.worldbank.org/indicator/NY.GDP.PCAP.CD

Carry My Stuff

I'm still thinking about My Personal Assistant, the post in which I list the chores I would prefer to delegate to a Personal Assistant.  Let me add one more: Carry My Stuff.

I am overwhelmed by My Stuff.  I can't handle it all.  I bring stuff to work; I bring it back home again.

What do I have?  Water.  Lunch.  Tablet.  Wallet.  Badge.  Hat.  Tissues.  Jacket.  Inhaler.  Pen.  Keys.  Snack.    ShoppingListOfMoreStuffToBuy.  SomethingToFaxForMyWife.^*  (Crap, I just remembered that I forgot to bring carrot sticks for my snack today.)

I cram all My Stuff haphazardly into a reusable shopping bag to make it easier to Carry.  But it's not easy.

It's a warm day, so I decide to Carry my jacket instead of wear it.  And I Carry the bag.  (Heck let's just call it a murse, okay?)  Now I also need to Carry the keys.  In my third hand.  In my dreams.

No, in my dreams, My Personal Assistant would Carry My Stuff.  As I leave for work, she somehow has already gathered It All and cheerfully follows me out the door with It.  Brrr, it's cold, so instantly she dresses me in my jacket.  The car is locked.  But she's got the keys, and deftly unlocks and opens the door.

At work the Pecan Pie that I ordered is delivered by a coworker's Boy Scout son.  My Personal Assistant brings it down to the cafeteria and places it in the freezer.

When it's time to leave for the day, My Personal Assistant actually remembers the pie (which I forgot three days in a row, so far) and adds it to all My Other Stuff.

We go to the store.  She carries the shopping list and ensures I get everything on the list.  Plus ice cream for herself, if she so chooses.  She brings it all to the car and stows it away, and she gets the tablet I accidentally left behind in the shopping cart as an added bonus.⁺

This is a wonderful dream.

Oh, and the Personal Assistant's name, if you haven't already guessed, is "Mommy."

---

^* It is true that I do not have a cell phone.
⁺ I did this twice, so far.  I drove home from the supermarket, leaving my tablet in the shopping cart in the parking lot.

Blogher and the Male Blogger

This is the first year I've been cross-posting on Blogher during NaBloPoMo.  I confess that I feel like an alien on that site.

Before I ramble on, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am grateful to Blogher for hosting NaBloPoMo.  And I admire the team of talented writers that contribute to the site's content.

But, the reason I feel like an alien on Blogher is because of the predetermined set of tags I have to choose from.  They're so... gender-skewed toward the feminine that I feel a bit stifled.

The complete list of tags is given below.

A few of the main categories are typical of a content provider or message board: Food; Health; News & Politics; Entertainment.  Yet the sub-categories under them seem incomplete.  For example, "Food" could use "Desserts" "Paleo" and "Outdoor Grilling".  "Health" could use "Vaccinations" and "Exercise" rather than "Infertility" and "Pregnancy".  "Entertainment" is fine except that "Sports" should be a main category all on its own.

DIY really should be called "Hobbies" because its sub-categories are essentially hobbies, and because it lacks such real DIY subjects as "Flooring" "Electrical/Lighting" "Plumbing" and "Automotive"

And then there's the most feminine main category of "Style," which includes:  Makeup; Nails; Shoes; Fashion; Hair.  Oh yes, I'm so looking forward to writing about makeup....  Hmm, then again, it might be a fun challenge to write about each sub-category of "Style," from a guy's perspective, of course.  Maybe Melissa Ford will make me write Style posts for the remainder of NaBloPoMo as punishment for dissing the tags.

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The list of predefined Blogher tags, as of Monday, November 16, 2015...

Blogging

Social Media

 -Tips, Tricks & Tools 

 -Blogging Events 

 -BlogHer Publishing Network News 

 -NaBloPoMo 

Food

 -Food Politics 

 -Baking 

 -Drinks

 -Cooking for Health 

 -Frugal Kitchen 

 -Gluten-Free 

 -Quick and Easy 

 -Recipes

 -Special Occasion 

 -Vegetarian and Vegan 

Games 

Health 

 -Body Image 

 -Mental Health

 -Diet & Fitness 

 -Infertility 

 -Wellness 

 -Pregnancy 

DIY 

 -Crafts 

 -Style DIY

 -Home & Garden 

 -Knitting, Crochet & Sewing 

 -Photography 

Work/Life 

 -Childfree 

 -GLBT 

 -Grief and Loss 

 -Humor 

 -Midlife 

 -Career 

 -Pets 

 -Finding Balance 

 -Caregiving 

 -Spirituality 

 -Travel

 -Green 

 -Money 

Love & Sex 

 -Dating 

 -Divorce 

 -Marriage and Commitment 

 -Sex 

 -Weddings and Anniversaries 

Family 

 -SAHMs 

 -Working Moms 

 -Tweens & Teens 

 -Adoption 

 -Empty Nesters 

 -Grandparents 

 -Home Schooling 

 -Multiples 

 -Special needs 

News & Politics 

 -Science 

 -Current Events 

 -Politics 

 -Media and Journalism 

 -Race & Class 

 -Feminism 

 -Technology 

Entertainment

 -Arts & Culture 

 -Astrology 

 -Books 

 -Movies & Television

 -Music 

 -Pop Culture 

 -Sports 

Style 

 -Makeup 

 -Nails

 -Shoes 

 -Fashion 

 -Hair

Advertise and Market with Women 

BlogHer Conferences 

 -#BlogHerFood16

 -BlogHer Food '15 

 -BlogHer 2016 

 -BlogHer 2015 

 -BlogHer Conference 2012 

 -BlogHer Entrepreneurs '13 

 -BlogHer PRO '14 

 -BlogHer Conference 2014 

 -BlogHer Food '14 

 -BlogHer Food 2013 

 -BlogHer Conference 2013

 -BlogHer PRO 

 -BlogHer Pro '13 

 -HealthMinder Day 2013 

 -Pathfinder Day 2013

 -Viewfinder Day 2013 

 -BlogHer Entrepreneurs '12 

 -BlogHer Food 2012 

 -BlogHer Handmade 

 -BlogHer Writers '11 

 -BlogHer | bet 

 -BlogHer Conference 2011

 -BlogHer Food 2011 

 -BlogHer Food 2010 

 -BlogHer Conference 2010 

 -BlogHer Business 2010 

 -BlogHer Conferences 

 -BlogHer Food '09 

 -Reach Out Tour 2008 

 -'06 Conference news 

 -'06 Podcasts 

 -'06 Sessions/Speakers 

 -'06 Sponsors 

 -'07 Conference news

 -'07 Sessions/Speakers 

 -'07 Sponsors 

 -BlogHer Business 2008

 -BlogHer Business 2009 

 -BlogHer Conference 2008 

 -BlogHer Conference 2009 

Web site 

 -From the 'hood

Reinvent the Brake Light

Maybe it's a guy thing, but the first thing I thought about when I read today's NaBloPoMo^* writing prompt was "cars."

Of course I know that cars have been invented already.  But they were invented so long ago when technology was in its infancy that they need to be re-invented.

Take brake lights.  They are essentially two red lights on the back of a car that are activated by a switch that, in turn, is activated by a pedal that the driver depresses with a foot.  We're supposed to infer from the brake light that a car is slowing down, stopping, or already stopped.  But they provide no reliable information about the car's speed or state of acceleration.  Consider these two examples:

A car can be at a complete stop while the brake lights are dark if the driver removes his or her foot from the pedal after stopping.

A car can be moving while the brake lights are on if the driver rests his or her other foot on the brake pedal.

This is how brake lights really should work:

• When the car is moving forward and accelerating, the color of the brake light shall be green.  The lights shall blink faster when the car is moving faster.  The rate of blinking vs the car's speed shall be the same for all cars.
• When the car is moving forward and decelerating, the color of the brake light shall be red.  The lights shall blink faster when the car is braking harder.  The rate of blinking vs how quickly the car slows down shall be the same for all cars.
• When the car is completely stopped the brake light shall be off.
• Brake lights shall be uniform in size and position among all car makes and models.
• Brake lights shall also be installed on the front of all cars to help motorists and pedestrians determine whether an on-coming car is speeding up or slowing down.

It's not really expertise that's needed to make this happen.  It's political clout.

---

^*"Pretending you have the expertise to make the product a reality, what do you wish you could invent?"

When Do You Use "We"?

"What do guys see in her?" my wife might ask about any of her friends.

This is obviously treading dangerously into "Does this make me look fat?" territory.  The best response is to shrug an "I dunno" back with a slightly dumbfounded look.  But not too dumbfounded, because, after all, the discussion is about one of my wife's friends.

But in my mind, the answers come easily, "They see a tight ass," or "They'll go after anything in a skirt," or "She looks easy."  Notice that I use the pronoun "They" not "We," even in the privacy of my compartmentalized mind.  But I'm a guy, so why don't I say "We" as in "We see a tight ass?"  Because let's face it, I do like a tight ass.

The reason is that the question, "What does guys see in her?" is subtly loaded with loathing.  It's like asking, "Why do [disgusting] dogs like to roll in shit?"  "Because, my dear, we like tight shit." "I dunno."

Even for neutral questions, I might hesitate to use "We" at least until I'm comfortable with the direction  a discussion is taking.  Consider this exchange:

"Why do engineers always talk about their gadgets at parties?"

"I dunno"

"I mean there's so much to talk about: the latest movies; the weather; the upcoming election..."

"Well I guess it's because they think gadgets are cool."

"Gosh if you've seen one gadget, you've seen them all."

"Oh, but we understand the technology behind them."


The biggest reason I avoid using "We" is because I don't feel I belong to any group.   A quiet sense of alienation has followed me around like a shadow all my life.  I've always felt like an outsider, an imposter, to the human race.

What about you?  When do you use "We?"

What Selfies Really Say About Us

The front-facing camera in smartphones and tablets have made it incredibly easy for people to take selfies.  However, the resulting image is inaccurate.  It is reversed, as if viewed in a mirror.  When you send the image to others, you're essentially saying, "Look at how I perceive myself," not "Here's how I really look."

If the images from a typical digital camera were to come out the same way as those from a front-facing smart phone camera, everyone would complain.  Lettering would be reversed.  Folks would appear to be saluting with their left hands.  A photo of Michelangelo's "Creation of Adam" would have G-d on the left.

The designers and engineers of these devices could have corrected this distortion simply by mirroring the image before creating the file.  Why didn't they?

The Importance of Deadlines

To all of you participating in NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo this month, this quote is for you:

The biggest thing separating people from their artistic ambitions is not a lack of talent. It's the lack of a deadline. Give someone an enormous task, a supportive community, and a friendly-yet-firm due date, and miracles will happen every time.

- Chris Baty
Founder of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo)
in "No Plot? No Problem!", page 19