What's Your Life Purpose?

These are my answers to Mark Manson's slightly quirky "7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose" which you can find at http://markmanson.net/life-purpose .

1. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF SHIT SANDWICH AND DOES IT COME WITH AN OLIVE?
This question made no sense to me.  First of all, the wording is stupidly designed to grab one's attention rather than to provoke thought.  Perhaps you'll find it easier to answer this, "What miserable or tedious activity are you willing to endure in pursuit of your passion?"  Even worded this way, it's difficult to answer -- "one man's meat is another man's poison."  There are activities that I would dread (such an influencing someone to invest in something or purchase something) that others would relish.  And those others might assume that everyone enjoys those activities.  I'm sure there are activities that most normal people abhor that I don't mind.  But I don't know what those activities might be.  Nevertheless, the first thing I came up with is this: I'm willing to repeatedly work and rework something until it's perfect.

2. WHAT IS TRUE ABOUT YOU TODAY THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD SELF CRY?
My 8-year-old self had absolutely no empathy toward people.  He would've cried if his cracker broke while he was buttering it, or if he got stung by a bee, or if the fast food joint put tomato on his burger even after he told them not to.  But he wouldn't cry over his future self.  Still, I'm sure he'd be disappointed that, as an engineer, I haven't invented anything cool like a space probe, rocket ship or killo-zap ray gun.

3. WHAT MAKES YOU FORGET TO EAT AND POOP?
Art and coding, and especially Artful Coding.  Figuring stuff out, like how to perform calculus with batch files.

4. HOW CAN YOU BETTER EMBARRASS YOURSELF?
This is another nonsensical question.  What it's really asking is, "What's something you'd really like to do but you have refrained from only because you think you'd look silly doing it or people would laugh at you?"  For me, there's nothing worthwhile to be done that I consider silly.  Become a rock musician?  Sure, why not?  Go on an autumn bike tour in Vermont?  I'm there, even though my legs sometimes don't work too well.
The closest I can get is perhaps publishing a very personal, revealing, intimate autobiography (one that would include even all my erotic fantasies) prior to the deaths of all my immediate family members and myself.

5. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD?
Yeah, right?  Like anyone's going to listen to me?  The world will have to fend for itself.  I'm done thinking about what's wrong with it.  I can't even convince Google to provide an option to turn off Autosave or implement Copy-Drag in its online editors, which is why I'm writing this in a word processing program rather than the default Blogger post editor.
Well, still, on my own small personal scale, I am doing all I can to lower my ecological footprint.  I didn't install the air conditioner in the kitchen this year - it wasn't oppressively hot enough.  I'm a hypermiler, but I'd prefer to walk or bike everywhere if I could.  I'd like to go solar and live off the grid.  I wear clothes until they're threadbare - even the thrift stores don't want my old clothes.  I'm willing to forage more, especially if I can safely identify edible invasive plants that can be eaten raw or steamed.  I fix broken appliances rather than throw them out to make room for new ones.  I've started to find uses for ordinary twigs in home repairs and crafts.

6. GUN TO YOUR HEAD, IF YOU HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, WHERE WOULD YOU GO AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Easy.  I would go into a large forested watershed that's blazed with hiking trails, bringing my camera, a hearty snack or two and lots of water, and hike all day.  And you don't need a gun to make that happen.
What's with the gun thing, anyway?  Is this written for Millennials who stereotypically stay indoors in front of their computers all day?

7. IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE ONE YEAR FROM TODAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO AND HOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED?
Within one year, I might frame my best cat photos and exhibit them at the library, and I could also use the exhibit as a platform for a fundraiser for our favorite cat shelter.

So what does all this mean?  Is my purpose to do Artful Coding for a Cat Shelter that's located in an off-grid cabin close to a woodland stream?  If you leave out the detail about the Cat Shelter, it could make me out to be like Ted Kaczynski.


What are your answers?  I want to know.

Staycation Planning

My employer shuts down its production line for two weeks every summer.  Ordinarily I continue to do my design work during this time, and I sell back my unused vacation time. The money I get from unused vacation helps pay semiannual bills such as home, auto and life insurance.  Besides I don't have air conditioning at home, so I prefer to work in the office during this hot and humid period. Finally, it's quiet at work during "shutdown," so I can concentrate on my most difficult work assignments without worrying about interruptions.

Unfortunately this year my boss insisted that I take my vacation during shutdown.  Taking a trip somewhere is out-of-the-question.  First, there's the cost.  Second, our daughter is signed up for a day camp during the shutdown.  Third, the animals will need pet sitters, which will cost additional money.  So I've decided on a Staycation.  I'm in the midst of thinking of activities that could bring in the lost income, or at least DIY projects that I can tackle to avoid paying someone else to do them.  The second class of activity would also include taking classes that could lead to better job opportunities.

So here's what I've come up with...

1. Get a job consulting.  This would be ideal, especially if I can charge at least as much as my gross full time salary, and perform the work in the cool comfort of the client's office.  But it's unlikely that I could find the right client(s) with a simple-enough assignment that could be completed in two weeks.
2. Home maintenance and repair.  Merely getting someone like a plumber to enter your home and tell you that you need a new washer for the faucet used to cost over $100 fifteen years ago.  By now I imagine it's much more, and the transaction might even require an attorney to act as a fiduciary.  So one can save a huge amount of money with "DIY" if one knows how.  Here are the projects I have in mind:
1. Interior painting, walls & ceilings, especially the bathroom ceiling.  (But if it's too hot and humid, it shouldn't be done.)
2. Roof repair.  I have some shingles that are starting to curl, and nails have popped up in a few spots.  I would hammer down the nails, staking them with RTV.  But how crazy do you have to be to go onto a black asphalt roof in Summer?  I think the soles of my sneakers would melt!
3. Repair / replace the car speaker.  One of the rear speakers in my car is buzzing quite loudly, and I think it's blown.  I'm hoping I can just patch it with special glue and cardboard.  If not, I might just disconnect it.  Right now, I have the fader adjusted so that only the front speakers play, and the system sounds weak.  Having just one rear speaker playing would be better than neither one playing.
4. Gardening / Landscaping.
1. We pay to have our lawn mowed each week.  If I were to buy and use a cheap push mower just for the smaller front yard, I might get the guys to  skip our place every other week, and I'd get some exercise.
2. Growing our own vegetables would save us from buying them.
3. Install a drip irrigation system for the vegetable garden.  One reason the vegetables haven't been planted yet is because I don't think I'll be able to water them.  So I don't want to spend time and effort to produce dead vegetables.  A drip irrigation system would make it easy to water the garden, so I'd be more willing to plant it.
4. The shrubs are blocking the entrance to our home, so they need pruning for good Feng Shui.
5. I'm guessing there might be a law against this: Grow and sell tobacco.  Tobacco is in high demand and would grow well here.  I don't smoke, but if I could sell it legally, it would be a most lucrative crop.  Selling stuff on which the state imposes a "sin tax" and prohibits minors from buying, probably is not legal.
6. Install rain barrels.  These are essentially 55 gallon drums that you position under the downspouts of the home's gutter system in order to collect the water for later use.  Right now we use our well water for watering the garden, and the cost is the electricity that's needed to run the well pump.
3. Buy groceries that are incorrectly priced specifically in order to take advantage of Connecticut's "Get One Free Law".  I always pay attention to the prices that appear when the cashier scans our items.  I've gotten a few things for free.  The latest was a 12oz bag of gourmet, ground Arabica coffee.  Of course I don't know beforehand whether the scanner will proffer the incorrect price, so this is more miss than hit.  Still, I once saw a one-pound package of butter that was obviously mis-marked.  The price was $3.98 but the unit price was only $1.98 per pound.  So I pounced on it like a seasoned flea market shopper on a genuine Tiffany lamp. When I was charged the $3.98, I complained that it should be only $1.98, according to the unit price, and I did get it for free.
4. Volunteer.  Well, this won't offset the loss of vacation income, but it might get me into an air conditioned environment.  And according to the Dalai Lama, the path to true happiness is through service to others, so it will bring me happiness.  A really cool idea would be a "VolunteerCation" in which you take a vacation (or sabbatical) in order to travel to some place where volunteers are needed.  I'm not sure, but I'm guessing travel expenses may be tax deductible under such an arrangement.  If you can get an organization to transport you somewhere, that would be even better.
5. Hang out at the local Maker Space.  Nothing's guaranteed with this idea.  But I imagine if I went to the Maker Space, I might meet some interesting artists, craftspersons or inventors and learn something by watching them.  I might even offer my own expertise to them or collaborate on something with them.  And I'm pretty sure the place is air conditioned. 
6. Hype my affiliates' products.  In particular, the Blood Type Diet products and the iHerb referral code bring in "coffee money."  But I don't advertise very much.
7. Hype my online storage accounts.  For example..
1. Join Dropbox for free using this link, and we'll both receive an additional 500MB of storage space.
2. Join Copy for free using this link, and we'll both receive an additional 5GB of storage space.
3. Join Box....  Well, you can join, but I don't use it, and I forgot my login credentials, so I can't promote it right now.
8. Cat Dentistry.  The plaque build-up on our first cat's teeth makes it seem as though barnacles live along his gums.  The vet quoted us a cost of over $300 to have his (the cat's) teeth cleaned.  The vet's procedure would involve putting the cat under anesthesia, a lot of stress, and possible exposure to an infectious organism.  Would I actually attempt to clean the cat's teeth myself?  Yes.  And it's not as far-fetched as it seems.  Of course, I wouldn't be fooling around with anesthesia.  But the cat sleeps so soundly that I can poke my fingers into and around his mouth without bothering him.  Nor do I plan to use any kind of abrasive or motorized tool.  I might not need to.  One day, I actually used my fingernail to pick a barnacle off his teeth.
9. Learn stuff.  How to write Android Apps, Working with Linux, Programming with Ruby are all great topics for career growth.
10. Get all my medical checkups done.  The eye doctor, dentist, primary care physician (PCP) and Naturopathic Doctor are all overdo for a visit.  Those visits would take place in an air conditioned environment, but at the expense of a few co-pays.
11. Cat Photo Exhibit.  This falls under the category of volunteering because the Cat Photo Exhibit would promote our favorite cat shelter.  If I were to sell any framed photos, I'd forward the proceeds to the shelter.  So I wouldn't made any profits, but I could recoup the expense of the frames I already bought.  The only additional expense would be to have the 8 x 10 prints made and perhaps business cards printed.
12. Write really clever blog posts, provide a PayPal Donate Button, and watch the money pour in!  (I can't belief I managed to write that with a straight face.)  No, but seriously folks, I don't want to subject you to a "Beg Button."

It will be fun to review my Staycation Activities in a subsequent post.  Stay tuned!  In the meantime, do you have any suggestions about what I should do on my staycation?

Choosing a Career

When I was in high school I took a personality test that was designed to help me figure out what college to go to and what to major in.  The results suggested that I might enjoy going to a college in Oregon to study forestry.  I recall that I responded that I like the outdoors, hiking, trees and solitude, plus I was good in math and science.

But I did not follow the advice.  First, it sounded ludicrous.  Second, I didn't want to move from home.   Yet today, if I woke with a new life studying trees, I probably wouldn't mind.

Two of the books that I'm "currently reading" show up on the side bar of this blog.  They are really for my daughter, who is expected to graduate high school in about two and a half years.

• "What Color Is Your Parachute? 2009: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers"
• "Refuse to Choose!: Use All of Your Interests, Passions, and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams"

They're more for job hunters and career changers -- folks who are burned out and need to try something different. "What Color Is Your Parachute?..." in particular contains a great deal of information about job hunting -- writing resumes and cover letters, networking, that sort of thing.  But I thought they would be helpful in choosing a first career.  The 8-pedalled rose chapter in "What Color Is Your Parachute?..." alone is worth the price of the book to those who need career guidance.

One other resource mentioned in "What Color Is Your Parachute?..." is the "Self-Directed Search," or SDS.  This is an online assessment tool that helps you figure out what your Holland Code is.  The SDS is not free; the test and report cost $9.95.

There's also a free test that you can take here: http://personality-testing.info/tests/RIASEC.php. In fact, I just took this test before I cleaned up the previous paragraph.  My results show that my Holland Code is IAS, meaning Thinking (I), Creating (A), Helper (S).  I got a little bar graph, too:

Knowing one's self is the first step in choosing a rewarding career.  I hope this information is helpful!

Not Too Young For AARP

I turned 50 this year.  Amid the few birthdays cards that I still get at my age was an "invitation" to join AARP¹.

In case you're very young or not from the USA, essentially AARP is the group you join when you reach retirement age, which, nowadays, is when you're too old to work.  Of course, there's very little mention of the words "old" and "elderly," or even "retired" on the AARP About page.  The reason for not mentioning the words "old," "elderly" and "retired" is simple.  They don't want people to wait until they're old and/or retired to join.  Baby boomers are dying off, so in order to increase membership, AARP frankly needs to seek younger members.

Also, they don't want people to freak out when they receive their first invitation to join AARP, as I did.

"Join AARP?!  I'm not Old!" I exclaimed out loud to my wife.

"You're eligible to join when you reach 50," my wife patiently explained to me.

"Grumble," I grumbled.

She's three years younger than me, so I can't wait until she gets her invitation, so I can gleefully say the same thing back to her.

My wife has been borrowing back issues of the AARP Magazine from the library.  I'm perplexed about why she would find the publication interesting, unless it's to see who's on the cover.  Of course, you don't need to borrow the entire magazine to see who's on the cover.  You can just walk by the magazine rack and glance at it.  But then once you see who's on the cover, you might want to read about why they're on the cover.  Recent issues that graced our coffee table featured such hotties as Gloria Estefan, Sharon Stone, and my all-time favorite-to-die-for Valerie Bertinelli.

Those women aren't necessarily hotties today, but they certainly were hotties way back when I divided the world population into "Women Who Are Hot" and "Everyone Else."  So to see them on a magazine for old folks is shocking, which is probably why they're on the cover.  I expect any day to see Miley Cyrus featured very soon.

---

¹ The acronym once stood for "American Association of Retired Persons," but they don't seem to refer to it any more.

Minefield in the Cafeteria

My workplace is a minefield of diet booby traps.

Each month, the company brings in a large birthday cake to celebrate that month's birthdays.  The cake arrives at the cafeteria in time for the 10am break.  I can resist it at that time.  But if there's still some left at 4pm, it's difficult to ignore.

The cake isn't as bad as the various surprise treats that sometimes appear.  When I know the cake is there, I can prepare myself to resist it or avoid the cafeteria altogether if necessary.  But an unexpected box of donuts, French pastry or home made fudge all bypass the more evolved portion of my brain, stimulating the reptilian brain into reflex action.  My hand darts out like the sticky tongue of a frog¹, and before I know it there's a morsel in my hand.

Coffee is like that, too.  Coffee causes fluctuations in my blood sugar, and it increases stomach acid, so I need to avoid it.  But it's in the cafeteria, too, just eying me in the sultry way of a temptress who knows the secrets of pleasure.  Even when I go to the cafeteria to get hot water for tea, I'll change my mind and take coffee instead if it's strong and freshly made.

An increasing number of employees are playing the hospitality game.  They display dishes of candies in their offices or on a central table in their departments.  The sales people are the worst -- they're so darned people-oriented.  Which is why I like to stay in the engineering department.  Food doesn't move,  or make a cool noise, or feature flashing lights, so it doesn't adorn our department.

Actually I tried maintaining a candy dish.  The hard candies were so unpopular, they started to undergo desication, so I had to discard them.  But the chocolate is both popular and tempting.  Unless my coworkers beat me to it, I'll finish it off myself after a few days.  It got to be expensive after several weeks, especially since I buy the higher-end stuff -- individually wrapped pieces from Dove or Hershey Bliss.  Even Hershey Kisses would be too low-end for my dish.

Yesterday was the day after Halloween, so I expected candy to be everywhere.  But I was disappointed surprised to find very little candy.  What little there was was the incredibly cheap stuff, like the obligatory mints you might find in a bowl on the way out from low-end diner, except sour and wrapped in faded paper.  They come with a small axe and a sign that says, "Break open in case of low blood sugar."

Is there a point to this post?  Yes.  It is, in fact, a rant against a society that fails to recognize food addiction.  You won't find cigarettes, alcohol or opium in the work place.  They're not even advertised in newspapers.  Why?  Because they're addictive.  But nobody considers food and beverages to be addictive, so those of us who struggle with food addiction have no respite.

---

¹ Yes, I know that frogs are not reptiles, thank you.

Distractions in my Day-to-Day Routine

[Written two and a half years ago for a course on Concentration]

For this assignment, take stock of your day to day routine. In doing so, jot down what your routine is on most days. Then think about what type of distractions you often encounter. Write your list of distractions and come up with ways that you can try to address them. Submit your list and of distractions and possible ways you can address them to the instructor.

My typical week day involves getting ready for work at home, driving to work, working, driving back home, ending the day at home.

When I'm at home, I'm distracted by

1. The needs of my wife and daughter. Even if they don't interrupt, I expect them to, so I don't get deeply involved in any activity until they're out of the house or in bed. I get our daughter ready to school. Even though she's a teenager, I want to be involved. Otherwise she'll probably make herself a breakfast of three Hershey Kisses and go out into 30F weather wearing just a flimsy sweatshirt and jeans. I can make my own breakfast while making something for our daughter. I can find out if things are going well for her at school during breakfast or while waiting with her at the bus stop.
2. The cuteness of our pets (or the damage they do). I'm either fawning over our cats, or cleaning up after them. Sometimes I take a quick break to pet one of them. Or I protect my meal from the fat one who's always hungry. Once in a while I'll take out the camera to take a picture, even if it will make me late for work. When I take the dog outside, he wants to play outside for a while. When I'm outside with the dog, I can let him roll around on the ground while I pick up branches from the lawn or get the newspaper. I want him to be happy. He's a good dog, and he's getting old, so I'm willing to spend time with him. I can keep the hungry cat away from our meals by spraying him with a water bottle. I do some pet photography as a hobby, and this year's Christmas card resulted from taking a picture of a cat that posed under the tree. So even though I'm distracted, I can make something good come from it.
3. Things that are out-of-place and need picking up or straightening. I'll walk from the bathroom to the kitchen and notice a candy wrapper on the living room floor. Or I'll go into the laundry room (which doubles as an overflow pantry) to get more tea and notice that the clothes need to be transferred into the dryer. So I'll do that and forget about the tea. I'm trying to condition our daughter to pick up things that are out-of-place. When I do notice a chore that needs completing, I can ignore it if it's not an emergency.
4. A news story on the radio. I can't seem to listen to the radio while doing something. So if there's something I want to hear, I usually stop what I'm doing to listen. I can turn the radio on just for the five minutes of important news I need and then turn it off when it's over. I don't need to listen to the banter and trivia.
5. Thoughts. I always have an inner dialog (or music) going on in my head. I'm meditating more and trying to stay mindful.

While driving, I can be distracted by

1. Scenery. I love nature and photography, and I drive through a rural area alongside a river. I can drive slowly when there isn't much traffic and still take in some scenery.
2. Radio. Since I'm a visual thinker, it can be dangerous for me to listen to music or talk radio while driving in heavy traffic. I can drive slowly when there isn't much traffic and enjoy the radio. When driving in traffic or on unfamiliar roads, I turn off the radio.
3. Passengers. This is the same as having the radio on. But I can't turn them off. I don't respond to passengers when driving in traffic or on unfamiliar roads.
4. Thoughts (particularly what I have planned for the day). Again, I drive slowly. But I find that the process of driving a normal speed keeps me from thinking, and I focus better on driving.

At work, distractions include:

1. E-mail. I tend to keep the e-mail client open and check it whenever I get a new message notification. When I need to focus, I do close the e-mail client.
2. Phone calls. When I really need to focus, I unplug the phone. Activating the "Do Not Disturb" function doesn't help -- it still beeps to indicate that someone is trying to call.
3. In-person interruptions. I'm one of those folks that seems to know a lot about everything, so when a "new guy" is stymied, he'll come to me. I can ask him to come back later, or promise that I'll get back to him within 15 minutes, which can give me enough time to reach a good breaking point in my work. Sometimes just a look of intensity can dissuade someone from interrupting. This does not work for the boss, though.
4. Noisy co-workers. The guy next to me not only talks loud on the phone, but he uses speaker phone, too. Earplugs, headphones?
5. "What if" thoughts (work related). The work I do often involves solving problems. Sometimes I'll come up with an idea for a problem that I'm not currently working on. Or I'll learn about a new tool that might be helpful later. Rather than stop my current task to explore the new idea or tool, I'll use my new capture tool to record a brief note about the thought and then return to my task.
6. Thoughts (not related to work). There's a lot going on in my personal life: family & pet issues, volunteer activities, car and home maintenance, finances. I can use the capture tool to record notes about these thoughts, too, so that I can let go of them more easily.
7. Muscle stiffness and other physical discomfort. Some days I just can't seem to sit because my legs ache. Also, I've found if I don't eat well, I'll feel gnawing hunger pains or experience dizziness. If I eat too much or the wrong foods, I can feel bloated or foggy. I can stick to my diet and avoid empty foods or those that I can't tolerate. I can get plenty of sleep the night before and take breaks to walk and drink water. I can do office yoga.

Morning Routine Takes More Than Four Hours

This post's title sounds like a headline!

Anyway, I don't pay much attention to time, unless I have an appointment or I need to get to a store that closes early.

But I have noticed that I've been getting to work later and later.  I'm on "flex-time," which generally means I can come and go whenever I want (and even work from home) as long as I work 40 hours each week.  Generally I try to work eight hours every week day.  The later I arrive, the later I leave.  I've had to leave later and later, too.

These were my arrival times for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday:

Monday 10:45am
Tuesday 10:15am
Wednesday 10:30am

It takes me only about 20 minutes to drive to work, so I've been leaving at around 10am each day.  And I get up at 5:30am or earlier.  So that means I spend four and a half hours doing "stuff" before work.  Doing what?  I'm not sure.

Well, Monday I was on track to leave by 9am.  But my wife made a 9:30am vet appointment for one of our cats to get his booster shots.  But she was sick and couldn't get up, so I ended up taking him to the vet instead.  There was a bit of a problem with this -- he disappeared just before it was time to go.  This cat is the one we have to tranquilize in order to put him in the carrier.

But on a typical work day, this is my "routine":

5:30 Get up, turn off the alarm, put on some clothes, go to the bathroom, yawn several times.
5:40 Feed the four cats and the dog.  Put out fresh water for them.  Drink water.  Listen to the weather report.
6:00 Take the dog outside.
6:10 Prepare and serve daughter's breakfast
6:20 Clean the spilled food that the feeding cats made and round up the left overs for later.
6:25 Snack on a banana while daughter has breakfast to keep her company.
6:35 Prepare daughter's lunch.
6:45 Open garage door and say bye to daughter.
6:50 Tidy up and set up for my breakfast.  Verify that the bus picks up daughter.
6:55 Take dog outside again and play several grueling rounds of "Fetch" so that he's not a hyper, slobbering beast that follows you around all day with a slimy tennis ball in his mouth.
7:30 Prepare breakfast.  This can take some time.
8:00 Eat breakfast.  Read newspaper.  Fend off the hungry cat.  Take all my pills.
8:30 Brush teeth.  Go to the bathroom.  Shave and/or shower.
9:00 Put on fresh clothes.
9:10 Make my lunch while giving small bits of roast beef to begging animals.
9:20 Get distracted by a cute pet that I need to take a picture of, or a withered plant that needs watering, or a "quick" chore that my wife gives me, or an idea for a blog post.
9:35 Fill the water bottle and put it in my work bag.  Put the lunch in my bag.  Find my wedding ring and watch and put them on.  Put on shoes.  Check all my pockets for  keys and wallet.  Walk around the house looking for my wallet.  Put on jacket.  Move the dog aside (he's barring the door) and go into the garage.  Notice a bag of garbage or cat litter scoopings by the door and carry it to the garbage can.  Pick up the newspaper that was left in the driveway.
9:50 Start the car.  Back the car out of the garage.  Close the garage door.  Fix the flag that has gotten wrapped around the flag pole.  Turn the car around.
9:55 Enter roadway and begin commute.

I wonder if anyone is still reading this post?  Does my routine make you feel tired?  It made me tired just thinking about it!  But that's my morning.

And then after I arrive at work, I don't even get started working until I've gone to the bathroom, gotten some coffee, put my lunch in the 'fridge, set my outgoing voice message to my "day message," and log onto the computer.

Whew.

What's your typical morning like?  How long does it take to get yourself ready?

More Kooky Karacters

The Thanksgiving reminiscence of the Allan Incident that I posted two days ago brought up memories of two other strange coworkers from that time period.  And oddly, both memories involve coffee mugs.

The first was Leonard.  He was foreign and spoke with a heavy eastern European accent.  His black hair matched a very tan, deeply creased face that sported a constant scowl.  If had we decided to make a movie involving a terrorist, he'd be the terrorist.  The thing that burned itself into my memory was his preference for using my coffee mug.

Yes, that's right, Leonard drank his coffee from my coffee mug.  I have no idea why he did this.  Perhaps it was because I bought a company mug, and he figured that since it had the company logo on it, and because he worked for that company, he was entitled to use it.  I guess he didn't notice that my name was hand written on it.

The first two or three times he did this, I would retrieve my cup and ask him to use another one instead of mine.  I was young and still had the possessiveness of a three year old who hates to share even the most boring of toys.  And I was a bit obsessive-compulsive, too -- that mug belonged to me and no one else should touch it.

But then I felt a change come over me.  I decided to "release the mug," to let it go.  Besides, I'd stopped drinking coffee because something about the way it was made gave me diarhea.  So I really had no need of the mug anyway.

So one day I approached him and extended my coffee mug to him with both hands.  "Here Len.  I want you to have my cup.  I no longer need it."

"No, no!" he protested.

"Really, I want you to have it.  Take it."

"No No NO," he replied, almost with belligerence.  "I will stop using it."  And he smiled.

And he never again took the cup.


The other guy was Conrad.  He seemed normal looking enough, even though he preferred wearing turtle neck shirts with his tweed sports jacket.  He had light blue eyes, transparent almost.  They gave the impression that he was looking through you instead of at you.  Although that was merely unnerving, it wasn't what made him "off."    Once you got into a conversation with him, you soon realized you were dealing with yet another escapee from the asylum.

His conversation was littered with asides and non-sequitors, which he'd deliver with ever-increasing frequency.  And his non-sequitors themselves would have asides, with each tangent getting quieter and quieter until he was mumbling with himself.  We went through a few conversations like this before we realized we could just walk away and let him keep talking quietly to himself.  Before this realization, we had a system in place to page Conrad any time one of our team members was stuck into conversation with him.  Once, when I paged him, I requested that he dial the extension of the phone that he was nearest.  Upon getting the busy signal and realizing that he had been duped, he slammed the phone down so hard I thought it would crack in half.

Many years later, I ran into someone who knew him fairly well.  When I described his manner of conversation, the other person explained that Conrad would purposely digress in his annoying fashion ironically in order to get rid of the other person.

But there was more to his weirdness than this.  He would use other people's coffee mugs as ash trays.  And he smoked cigars.

His office didn't need a "Conrad" name tag for anyone to know it was his.  We'd just wander around the cubicles until we found the one with a dozen or more coffee mugs half-filled with brown liquid and cigar butts floating like logs in them.  Miraculously (and thankfully), my mug never ended up there. 

There are perhaps lessons to learn from these experiences.  Leonard taught me that you have to be willing and prepared to lose something in order to gain it.  Perhaps in trying to give away the mug, I made it appear valueless to Leonard, so he no longer wanted it.  Or perhaps he was too embarrassed about his behavior.

If it is true that Conrad felt just as stuck in a deadend conversation with us as we were with him, the lesson there is to realize that we all have essentially the same needs and desires, no matter how bizarre we go aobut expressing them.

Are You Gonna Talk or Eat?

Most folks seem to regard a lunch outing as a social occasion or a way to do business.  A clique of workers might go out and gossip about the boss over lunch.  Or a vendor might take a customer out to lunch to discuss new products or services.  The food is more an embellishment than the main focus.

But for a hungry hypoglycemic, lunch is for resuscitation.  It's a time to eat.  Period.  All that schmoozing is just background bullshit.  When I sit down, I want to order right away and get the food as quickly as possible.  And Eat It.

One vendor who takes me out to lunch is most absentminded when it comes to ordering.  The hostess will seat us and place menus right in front of each of us.  This is his cue to start taking about new developments in the industry.  Since I know the restaurant very well ( I often check the online menu ahead of time) I might open the menu just to check on the soup of the day or to see what special entrees are being offered.  Mostly I open the menu in the hope that the vendor will do the same.

After a few minutes of alternately glancing at the menu and nodding at the vendor, I'll realize that Mr. Vendor won't be derailed from his monologue until the waitress comes over.  So I'll close my menu, take a large gulp of water, and wait.

This is what happens when the waitress sidles to our table and says brightly, "Are you ready to order?"   Mr. Vendor will suddenly realize that the book-like object in front of him is actually a menu and open it.  If I'm lucky, he'll say, "You go first," and then, "I'll have what he's having," after I've ordered.  If I'm unlucky, his response will be, "I need a few minutes to decide."  Fortunately that rarely happens.

After placing our orders, I can pay more attention to the conversation.  Until the food arrives.  Then, the conversation recedes as if it's coming from a storm drain.  The food is most prominent to my senses.  The talking is drowned out by the texture of my food; the sensation of it moving into my stomach, quelling its ache; my body's weak shakiness slowly being dispelled.

NaTYLoCaToWoDa 2012

Today is National Take Your Leftover Candy to Work Day, hence the acronym NaTYLoCaToWoDa.  I figured since my first NaBloPoMo post featured the NaBloPoMo acronym, why not follow up with another?

Anyway, this is a difficult day for dieters of many persuasions: diabetics; vegans; lo-carbers; those with allergies; those seeking to lose weight.  We might follow our diets only by keeping forbidden foods out of our homes.  But then we succumb to our cravings in the work place.

Here's my plea.  If you need to unload edible crud, please just throw it in the garbage.

Getting Paid to Make a Halloween Costume

Every year, my workplace has a Halloween Costume contest. I never dress up, although sometimes I'll halfheartedly wear a clown face or a pirate head wrap with a fake earring. Then after the contest, I get inspired and start planning for next year.

It was the same this year, too. I was shaving this morning, and I had done nothing to prepare. As usual I started getting all kinds of amazing ideas for costumes. This time was a little different, though. I felt strong motivation to do something.

So the last-minute idea I settled on was to wear a homemade Albert Einstein mask, which would go along with my naturally unruly gray (or white) hair. All I had to do was find a suitable picture of Einstein's face, scale it to life size, perhaps crop off any background imagery, print it out, pop eye-holes into the paper, and tape it on my head. I would borrow a lab coat from work and tape a homemade name tag to it to complete the likeness. "I can do this!" I thought to myself.

So before I left for work, I started step one, which was to find a suitable picture. Unfortunately, there were no high resolution pictures of Einstein in which he faces the camera straight on. Also I came across unsettling and disrespectful caricatures of him. That made me depressed, so I abandoned the plan.

But then I had an even better plan -- I would dress as the president of my company. It was a brilliant idea, I thought.

All during my commute, I imagined the plan. And when I got to my desk, I got started right away.

First, I searched the network for pictures of the boss. I found a great picture of him that was taken with his family during a company picnic. I had to crop it and enlarge it greatly, and then rotate the face about 7 degrees. I did all this in The GIMP, an amazing multi-platform, Photoshop-like freeware program that I use to fix up some of my photographs.

Finally done, I printed out his perpetually grinning face, cut the eye-holes out and cut away the excess blank parts around the chin. I affixed the tape to the mask right at eye level. Then I borrowed the boss's lab coat, and taped the mask to the sides of my eyeglasses.

The time came for the contest, so I worked my way to the cafeteria. I had to go slow -- the mask was hard to see through because I made the eye-holes fairly small (about 1/4 inch).

I entered the cafeteria. I cannot describe the effect I had on everyone who turned to look at me!

Jaws dropped in amazement!

Eyes widened with surprise!

Huge smiles formed!

And then the boss walked in. Even he enjoyed the gag. He stood next to me so that we could be photographed together.

The judging commenced. We were vying for one of three prizes, Funniest, Most Scary, and Most Original. The others who dressed up looked great, so I hardly expected to win. After all, most of them put a lot of planning and effort into their costumes. Or they went out and bought an outfit.

Funniest was awarded to SL, whose costume was over-the-top, as usual. He was dressed as a Reno NV sheriff in silk, a la Reno 911.

Most Scary was awarded to JM, aka Moon Man, who wore an astronaut outfit and a plastic ass.

Then I started to worry that I might actually win. Worry? Yes, because most of the other folks aren't paid as well as me. They need the money. They invested a lot more in their costumes and deserved the prize more.

The emcee was looking at the person whom I thought had the most original outfit, but then he called my name. Actually I felt really bad and even considered giving the $100 gift certificate to the other person.

But the amazing thing is that I couldn't detect any hard feelings. And a few folks said that they were glad I won. They talked about how I even had the same mannerisms as the boss. That was mind boggling.

I had completed my costume within 30 minutes after arriving at work, and that includes waiting for the slow computer to log on, searching for the photograph, printing out the image and fetching the lab coat. I even paused to fetch someone a set of three balls that I use for juggling. I didn't have to buy anything -- all the supplies that I used were from work. And I even got paid to work on the costume.

It doesn't get any better than that.

I've wanted to show up as the boss for a few Halloweens. I have the hair for it, but I always imagined that I'd have to grow the beard (or make one).

I'm still glowing with amazement that I won. Wow!

Anticipation

As school children, we anticipated the start of a new school year every year. We wondered who our teacher would be and who would be in our class. And every so often, we'd anticipate going to a new school, or if we were lucky, a new summer camp. And of course, we'd anticipate presents for our birthday or a favorite holiday. Anticipation added zest to our lives!

I'm not surprised that the older I get, the less I experience something exciting to look forward to. I've given up the idea of going to school. And I'm less than thrilled about my birthday and Christmas, which is the Square Peg gift-giving holiday. Instead anticipation usually comes to me in the form of worry: what outcome will the lab test have? Or how high will the price of oil rise this winter? Or what if I can't think of something interesting to blog about every day in November? (Hint, write about anticipation!)

But right now I am enjoying the anticipation of moving into a brand-new office on Monday. I've been cleaning out my drawers, which sounds more nasty than it actually is. And I've thrown out boxes of old papers and journals -- an exhilarating accomplishment!

If you're not a hoarder, you might not understand how liberating it feels to throw away lots of stuff. But if you can imagine hiking up a hill with a backpack that contains heavy electronic equipment -- devices that constantly remind you about unfinished work, devices that make loud embarrassing noises that disturb the serenity of your surroundings and keep people away from you, devices that interfere with your compass readings, so you're not sure if you're going in the right direction, devices that are so bulky they leave no room for other things to carry, like an interesting rock, a map or a rain poncho, and it's even hard to breathe because of how much they're pressing into you. Now imagine you're at the edge of a steep cliff. You remove the backpack, open it, and dump everything out over the edge. Now you have a very light backpack with ample room for stuff. You're finally at peace with your surroundings. You can breathe easy. That's how I feel now.

And, I'm looking forward to working in a new space, with new furniture, a new telephone system to learn, and new cubicle mates. (They put us older engineers together.) The network will be ten times faster. We'll have a library plus three conference rooms instead of one room serving as both a conference room and library. The cafeteria is spacious. It's like starting over at a new company!

Anticipation. I like it. How can I experience this more often?

My Personal Labor Day History

With Labor Day coming up, I've been reflecting on how my observances of Labor Day have been unconventional.

In the first half of my career, I was involved in the design and development of medical imaging equipment. September was our most frantic time of year, because that's when we'd prepare for the annual RSNA trade show. We'd be running a second shift and have people working weekends to troubleshoot systems that were used to generate images for the show. There was no taking time off to celebrate Labor Day.

I quit that job to go to school full time. I'd always have a good summer job, but I'd quit right before Labor Day to return to classes.

After graduating (May 1992), I had some trouble finding a "permanent" job, so I took yet another summer job, which also ended right before Labor Day. Fortunately, I finally found a permanent position, which started on the Tuesday after Labor Day. I remember on that first day of work thinking to myself how funny it is that I've never had a paid day off for Labor day in the 10 years I've been working.

Then I met my wife who also always worked on Labor Day. She was a medical professional, and being childless, she always volunteered (or was forced to volunteer) for holidays.

So if you have paid time off for this upcoming Monday holiday, please think kindly of the many people who are working in hospitals, public safety, retail, service.

Enjoy!

Blame it on Todd Stevens

"Who's Todd Stevens?" asked the head of documentation where I work. He was looking at an indecipherable signature on a form that he was trying to process.

After telling him who really signed the form, my coworker and I got to thinking how great it would be to have an imaginary coworker named Todd Stevens. Any time anything went wrong, we could blame it on Todd Stevens. This would probably happen at least three times each day. We would page him every few days to get people thinking that he's real. And being a back up IT person, I could create an e-mail account for him and add him to the address list. (I bet he'll start getting spam within a day of my creating the account, too.)

I imagine eventually the company president would get pissed off enough to want to talk to this Todd Stevens, at which point we would declare that he moved to New Zealand to herd sheep. Well, maybe we'll just say he moved away.

Then we'll just start blaming everything on Ted Atkins. And he'll be a consultant.