Post Op Brain Fog, or Self Abasement?

After Thursday’s surgery, I was advised to avoid making any important or legal decisions within 24 hours of the operation.  Is this because the anesthesia can cause cognitive impairment?  Or is it because the patient can be easily manipulated?

I think both are true.  

I’m old and recently laid off, so naturally I wonder if I can get a good-paying job in my technology-dense field.  So I began to fall victim to my negative self-talk.  On the second day after the surgery, I felt hopeless and despondent about ever recovering financially or cognitively.  It’s as if my darker side began to take advantage of my vulnerable state.  Fortunately I’m climbing out of that well of despair.  And as an added boost I just came across this Psychology Today article, which should help: “Rewire Your Brain and Create a Kinder Inner Dialogue”¹.

I’ve been taking an online course, but I haven’t noticed any degradation in my thought process.  Then again, my thought process wasn’t so great to start with!

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¹https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/everyday-resilience/202504/rewire-your-brain-and-create-a-kinder-inner-dialogue

When Getting Ahead Means Not Falling Behind

For many years my life has been one of working, eating and sleeping long before the pandemic.  The only "going out" I'd ever do is for errands.

Today I am officially self-isolating.  The only difference between then and now is that now I work from home instead of at the workplace.  My errands are not restricted (at least not the ones I do.)

When I saw gas prices plummet a few weeks ago¹ and then learned that I'd get a 2% raise, I became hopeful that maybe I'd be able to save some money and not have to live paycheck to paycheck (albeit with a small cushion of savings).  As well it was reported that car insurance companies would be mailing checks to its customers who are driving less and getting into fewer crashes.  All that, in combination with a CARE act payment, got me thinking that I might be able to get ahead before having to pay off massive student load debt that has been deferred to November.  And speaking of student loan debt, the government set interest rates to 0% for their loans.  What a relief!

But just as quickly as the good news accumulated, it all came crashing down.  First I learned that my employer will be cutting salaries and maybe even reducing hours for some employees.  It’s not that business is bad.  Actually it’s just the opposite; customers are increasing orders.  However, the CEO believes that things will get bad very quickly.  The current uptick in sales is due to customers wanting to “pull in” and build inventory in the event of a supply chain failure.  So my employer is being proactive to sooth the fears of investors.  After all, the aristocrats must never be inconvenienced!

And then when the student loan interest rate was set to zero, I suddenly found that I had to make my first payment next week.  This payment is about 30% more than my housing expense!

And on top of that, my term life insurance policy lapsed due to late payment.  They’re so busy responding to death claims (unfortunately) that I can’t make any progress on getting it reinstated.  (True I was a dumbass for making the payment so late….)  So now I’m extremely anxious I might die of coronavirus and leave my loved ones in the poor house.  Plus I was just diagnosed with prostate cancer, so who knows if they will agree to reinstate me, or even if I can even get another insurance policy?

And of course most of my retirement savings is in equities, which have dropped sharply in value.

Well, I did manage to re-request the deferment from the student loan servicer, so I managed to plug one of the leaks in the dyke.

It’s at times like these that I start to catastrophize:

• What if an appliance fails and needs replacing?
• What if a tree falls on the house (or a neighbor’s house)?
• What if the car needs major repair work?
• What if I lose my job?

So then I need to breathe, bring myself back to the present and think of all the good fortune I have.

Hope all is well with you!

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¹The drop in the cost of gasoline was due initially to a feud between Saudi Arabia and Russia.  The policy of self-isolation came later and further lowered prices due to a decrease in demand.

Fear as an Ally

I was a Trekie for the first half of my life.  Many episodes were thought-provoking and expanded my mind.  A great example is the episode of Voyager in which Captain Janeway confronts Fear incarnate.

The first four scenes establish the background that leads up to the conclusion.  There is a simulated being, called "The Clown" that lives off the fear of those in stasis.  This being would cease to exist once stasis is no longer needed, so he compels the ones who are in stasis to stay, using threats of torture and death to control them.  They are his hostages.

In the last scene, Captain Janeway agrees to enter stasis herself in order to confront Fear, but only if Fear will agree to release the others.

Here's a link to the scene on Youtube.  I hope you'll watch it -- it's my favorite scene featuring my favorite Star Trek character:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYwEaBu6lfQ

The point is that I learned something very important.  We, as complex beings, can experience fear in response to our own thoughts.  If we pay close attention to fear, we can grow.  Our thoughts cannot physically harm us, but they can hold us back from achieving our goals.

So whenever I experience fear going into a situation, such as public speaking or traveling to a distant part of the world, I resist my natural tendency to avoid it.  Instead, I become emboldened and look the situation squarely in the eye.

How to Cultivate Resilience

A 2010 article in Neurology Now¹ explains how we can cultivate resilience in the face of hardship. The process involves changing the way you explain the negative events in your life using these three aspects: Permanence, Pervasiveness, and Personalization.

You can choose to believe that the hardship will last forever (permanent), that it will affect all areas of your life (pervasive), and that it is direct solely at you (personal).  Or you can take a more realistic approach and realize that nothing lasts forever, that the setback alters just one relationship or activity (in the case of a break up or a layoff) and that these things happen to everyone at one time or another -- it doesn't indicate that the universe is "out to get you."

Click here to read the article in full.

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¹ Depression and Resilience, Neurology Now: March/April 2010 - Volume 6 - Issue 2 - p 18–25 doi: 10.1097/01.NNN.0000370189.53041.59