Ask Amy

The letter to Ask Amy from the mom of a 4-year-old girl that described how her daughter cut her own bangs and then lied about it¹ reminded me of my own hair cutting incident.

I was sick and tired of how my mom’s friends would fawn over my eyelashes.  “Oh, how long and pretty they are!”  “I’d give anything to have eyelashes like that!”  And so, you guessed it, I cut them.

At the dinner table, my mom noticed immediately and reacted strongly: “Did you cut your eyelashes!?  Why did you do that?  You could’ve poked your eye out!”  And so on.

Frankly I was surprised and insulted.  Surprised because I thought they were my eyelashes; why should it be anyone’s business?  And the “poke your eyes out” remark was utterly insulting.  I was anything but a klutz.  I was a “Little Professor” type of boy, always carefully coloring inside the lines, and I (literally) had excellent hand-eye coordination.

Two takeaways here are: children rarely are given the credit they deserve; and showing overt attention to a child can have unexpected consequences.

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¹https://www.chicagotribune.com/2024/04/26/ask-amy-sex-offender-lives-in-the-neighborhood/

To Make Time Go Slow, Fast

If it seems like your day goes by in a blur, try skipping a couple of meals.  That’s right, go on a fast to make the day go slow.

Why does this work?  First, you save time that you’d otherwise waste preparing the meal, eating the meal, and then cleaning up afterward.

Second, your digestive system stays in the background instead of siphoning off the resources you need to cope with the day.  So you actually have more energy during the fast.

There are a few different types of fasts: eating nothing at all; liquid only (herbal tea, fruit and vegetable juices, broth); raw fruit, sprouts, vegetables.  Also, duration can vary from just a few hours to one day or a weekend; or they can be extended, as on a retreat¹.

I came across this idea when I got sick while reading Health Via Food, by William Howard Hay².  I had no appetite and no sense of hunger when I was sick.  And then when I recovered, I still felt no hunger.  So I leveraged that feeling and broke with my tradition of having a large breakfast, rich in protein and vegetables.  Instead I sliced up an apple and ate small pieces slowly throughout the morning.

There two keys to making a fast work, for me; they are mindfulness and abstaining from stimulants such as coffee and added sugars.  The mindfulness tells me when the urge to eat is out of boredom, habit, stress or anxiety rather than a need to eat.  Turns out I rarely have a legitimate need to eat.   Coffee produces a hollow gnawing sensation in my stomach, which compels me to eat something more to fill the hollow.  And the so-called energy bars stimulate my appetite while giving me brain fog.

I am amazed at how much better I feel, and at how slow the mornings go.  Luckily, I still can work from home a few days a week.  This gives me the assurance that if I needed to eat something, I’d have plenty of healthy options on-hand to choose from.

And I’ve been noticing that when I forestalled breakfast until later in the workday morning, I’d go through my pre-breakfast chores so quickly.  I could feed the cats and dog, clean the litter boxes, go to the bathroom, take in the newspaper, prepare my wife’s breakfast, guess the daily Wordle, all without much movement on the clock.  But once I ate the breakfast, suddenly it seemed like time sped up and it was already time to leave for work.

So don’t wait to get sick like I did before you try a fast.  Schedule your first one on a slow day, or take a sick day if you work.  You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how good you feel and how much you’ll accomplish.

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¹http://healingwithwholefoods.com/
²https://soilandhealth.org/book/health-via-food/

The Magic of Suspenders

In December I made the switch from wearing a belt to wearing suspenders.

I had already bought pants with a larger waist to relieve the pressure on my abdomen.  But this meant that I had to wear a belt to keep the pants from falling down.  And a belt isn’t terribly effective if one’s waist greatly exceeds one’s hips.  So the new pants didn’t really change anything.  That’s when I decided to switch.

The first day that I replaced the belt with suspenders was magical.  I achieved the intended effect of relief around my waist.  But there were other improvements, too.

The first improvement was the illusion of becoming taller and slimmer.  With its two bold vertical lines replacing the single horizontal line of the belt, the suspenders had the same effect one gets by changing out of a sweater that sports horizontal stripes with another with vertical stripes.

The second improvement was that suspenders encouraged me stand more erect.  They reminded me that if I wanted to keep my pants in place, I shouldn’t slouch.  Better posture also made me taller and made me feel more confident.  And with the better posture, it was easier to suck in my gut.

The third improvement was style.  Before, I’d choose between a brown belt for khakis or a black belt for grey, black or navy blue pants.  But suspenders come in a much greater variety of colors and patterns, such as blue, red, gold, green, and solid, plaid, striped, argyle, that you can bring out an accent color from a plaid or checkered shirt.  Plus, you can find novelty suspenders that can show off your favorite hobby, passion or line of work.  For example, you can find themes of flyfishing, golf, camouflage, clovers, American flag, and the one that I chose, circuit board.

If you decide to make the switch, I strongly advise you to practice lowering your pants a few times lest you find yourself “in urgent need of a haircut”¹ and get stymied trying to drop your drawers quickly.

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¹A euphemism on Car Talk (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Car_Talk) for “desperately needing to go to the bathroom.”

Dirth of Low-Carb Frozen Dinners

Frustrated by the high carbohydrate content of the typical frozen dinner, I've decided to make my own meals from frozen vegetables, Steak-umms and butter, plus various spices.

Below is a low-quality photo-log of my first attempt, which I assembled to take to work and heat in the microwave oven.  The vegetables heated much more quickly than the meat; I ran it at high power for about seven minutes to get the meat to "medium".

The second time I put one together, I broke the frozen sheets of meat into quarters and arranged them around the perimeter and bunched the vegetables and butter into the center.  This arrangement took only five minutes to cook.

The frozen glass container gets quite wet from condensate, so I've learned to wrap it in a towel for transport.  The towel also serves as a "pot holder" -- the glass becomes too hot to carry after the food is heated.

The solution to the problem of raw meat is, of course, to cook the meat.  But then it's not something I can whip together in an emergency.

Folks might ask, "Haven't you seen the frozen dinners from Atkins?"  "Yes, dear, reader, I have," I might respond.  "But those products contain many nasty chemicals (neurotoxins) and lack enough fat to provide a satisfying meal."

Alternate Advice

I read the “Ask Amy” advice column nearly every day.  Yesterday's column kept gnawing at me to respond with “Alternate Advice.”  Let's start with the letter from the advice seeker:

Dear Amy: My wife and I love the beach. We walk on the beach, kayak and picnic, and in the summer we swim. 

When it's hot, and the beach is crowded, my wife invariably asks me, "Are you checking out that girl in the bikini?"

I always say no, which is a lie she sees right through. An argument ensues, dampening our otherwise beautiful day.

I am in my 50s. I have no delusions of long-term futures with young girls (or anyone else) on the beach, but I love to look at attractive females. I try, apparently unsuccessfully, to be discreet, but my natural instinct is to stand and applaud. I know I sound like a dirty old man, but I doubt I am alone.

So, how can I be honest and not hurt my wife? And can we still go to the beach?
-- Lying on the Beach

This would be my response:

Dear Lying: You're not alone.  First, get a pair of dark, wrap-around sunglasses.  A hat is not enough to protect your eyes from the sun, a lot of which is reflected off the water and sand.  Plus, they'll afford you some privacy from your creepy wife.

Yes, I think your wife is creepy.  Here's a woman who, situated in a relaxing natural environment, is too obsessed with what you're thinking to pay much attention to the limitless sand and surf, the sea breeze, the variety of people.  This tells me that she is way too insecure or she wants to pick a fight with you. 

Here's how I would react.  First I would blatantly admit (without being defensive) that I was checking out the girl in the bikini.  Then I'd follow up with one or more of the following (or something similar): 

“That polka dot bikini she's wearing reminds me of that old song....” (1) And then I'd start to sing the song.

“I wonder if Tommy Hilfiger carries around a bag with her name on it.” 

“Doesn't she work at the library/coffee shop/drug store/church?” 

“Don't get jealous.  She's not at all my type – she's just too old.” 

But then it's important to follow up with, “Why do you ask?”  Not gruffly, or with an annoyed tone, or as a “piss-off” type of reprimand.  Ask with genuine concern.  Because it's a very good question.  Why is she so tuned in to you in this wonderful environment? 

And what's so bad about looking at a woman who is essentially walking around in brightly-colored underwear, which is precisely what a two-piece bathing suit is? 

If your wife's erratic behavior continues or gets worse, mention this to her primary care doctor.  She might need the help of an endocrinologist to treat the effects of menopause, or a mental health professional to deal with insecurity. 

Note that while I'm siding with you, it's under the assumption that:

1. You're only looking and not actually standing and applauding, nor are you fondling yourself, or whistling, or making lewd comments like, “Ooo, what a piece of ass...”
2. You're not checking out young girls but rather young women.

(1) Don't try this on a nude beach.

Here's the advice seeker's letter but with some minor changes:

Dear Amy: My husband and I love the beach. We walk on the beach, kayak and picnic, and in the summer we swim. 

When it's hot, and the beach is crowded, my husband invariably asks me, "Are you checking out that guy in the Speedo?" 

I always say no, which is a lie he sees right through. An argument ensues, dampening our otherwise beautiful day. 

I am in my 50s. I have no delusions of long-term futures with young guys (or anyone else) on the beach, but I love to look at well-built men. I try, apparently unsuccessfully, to be discreet, but my natural instinct is to stand and applaud. I know I sound like a cougar, but I doubt I am alone. 

So, how can I be honest and not hurt my husband? And can we still go to the beach? 

-- Lying on the Beach

In this version of the letter, the husband sounds jealous and maybe a bit possessive and scary.  The first step on the road to being a victim of spousal abuse is to rearrange your thinking and behavior to placate your partner, even if you've done nothing wrong.

Ms. Dickinson's response seemed to imply that the husband was actually standing up and applauding.  She writes, "All 'attractive females' know when they're being checked out. Some may enjoy the attention, but even if they do, the last thing they want on their day at the beach is a round of applause from you."  [My emphasis]  And the title of the web page is "Man at the beach gives bikinis a round of applause."  Huh?

The page also features a video with the caption, "Sexually objectifying girls and women leads to aggression toward them, a recent study has found."  Amy, I look at attractive things -- artwork, flowers, cars, architecture, and, yes, women.  It doesn't mean I want to have sex with them.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/askamy/ct-ask-amy-ae-0425-20170425-column.html