Revenge Against the Evil Eyeglass Scammers

I've had to wear eyeglasses since I was eleven years old. Back then I was afraid of the kind of teasing I'd get. As an adult, I finally have the self confidence and composure to not worry myself about such silly nonsense. Besides, who's going to laugh at my eyeglasses when they have my pot belly and gray hair to ridicule?

But as an adult I am afraid of the folks who sell eyeglasses. I feel their sole purpose is to profit heavily from my minor handicap. I don't know why I feel this way, unless it's the fact that they do not publish the price of any of their eyeglasses in their advertisements.

Why is it that I can figure out, in the comfort of my own home, how much I will spend on a bunch of bananas, but I have no idea what my next pair of glasses will cost? Whereas every week, three local supermarkets pay for circulars that show the prices for many items, the only kinds of advertisements I see for eyeglasses are those that promise savings of $100 or "Buy one and get a second pair for 50% off." These eyeglass advertisements are accompanied by large paragraphs of fine print that explain that the offer does not apply to certain brands, or children's glasses, or it excludes the cost of the lenses.

Naturally, after you go through the trouble of showing up in the store and selecting frames that look somewhat stylish, you find out that, A, the coupon does not apply, and, B, that the pair you picked out cost "only" $300, and C, that the special lightweight progressive lenses bring the total price up to $600.¹ This actually happened to me the last time I bought both frames and lenses from a local Lens Maker store. But luckily, although they did not accept my health insurance, they did offer 50% off to policyholders such as myself. I was still not happy, because I'm a cheapskate who believes that some wire and glass should not cost $300.

It was nearly as frightening and upsetting as when I bought my wife's engagement ring.

So when I got my latest prescription, I was relieved when the doctor said that my eyes changed only one step. Unfortunately he said that last year, too, and I put off getting new glasses back then. I can't read street signs (even when I can find them), so this time I resolved to get at least new lenses for my old frames.

But even getting just replacement lenses is expensive when they're scratch-resistant carbonate progressive lenses. So when I heard on the Clark Howard show that you can get a pair of prescription glasses online for only $8.00, I was very interested. He was talking about Zenni Optical.

Now I know that the local eyeglass provider is a professional that not only sells you glasses, but measures your eyes, adjusts the frames for proper fit, and, above all, tells you most sincerely how marvelous you look in them. I knew I could do without the flattery, and I was pretty sure that I could adjust a pair of mail-order wire-framed glasses myself. It was the measuring part that made me nervous.

You can't just look in the mirror and measure the distance between your own pupils. That's because you have to look at one pupil first to align the ruler to it. Then you have to look at the other pupil to read off the measurement. But in the process of looking at the other pupil, you've moved your eyes, and the ruler is no longer aligned to the first pupil. I could ask my wife to measure my pupils, but she gets physically ill from any activity that involves numbers. She could probably drive on an interstate if the exits were marked with letters or named after edible items: "Exit Bacon Cheeseburger, Right Lane, 1 mile."

So the need to have a pupil measurement was a deal breaker. Reluctant to give in, I carried the prescription around for a few more blurry weeks. I wondered if the Lens Maker store wrote my pupil measurement down in my records, and I could get a copy of it? But actually, they didn't do a good job of it because my two lenses were not aligned to my eyes -- I could see somewhat clearly through only one lens at a time. Maybe I could get my daughter to measure my pupils? No, although she's fine with numbers, I don't think she'd align the ruler properly.

But then I had a brilliant idea! I decided to use my existing pair of glasses as a measuring fixture! I cut a small Post It note in half, and placed the corner of one half on the right lens of my glasses while I was wearing them. I placed it such that the corner pointed to a distant object that I focused on. Then I did the same with the second half of the Post It. After making sure that both corners pointed to the distant object while I gazed at that object, I removed the glasses and measured the distance between the two corners. It was 60mm. Bingo! I was ready to order.

I called up the website and used the guide to help me find frames. I decided to get bifocals instead of progressive lenses -- they're cheaper, and they offer clear viewing over a wider lateral angle than progressive lenses (a fallback in case I screwed up the measurement). Not all frames are compatible with bifocals (or progressive lenses), so that limited my choices a bit. Also, I wanted wire frames so I could bend them easily. I wanted full rims, which are more durable than the rimless lenses that use a flimsy fishing line to hold the lenses. And I wanted them to look fairly good.

Thus I chose frames that cost about $27. With the lenses and two additional clip-on-like sunglass accessories, plus a spare pair of glasses fitted with single-vision lenses, my absolute total was just $72, which, at the local Lens Maker store would've entitled me to not even a single lens.

The order arrived three weeks after I placed it. I was a bit nervous, especially since I did not receive a confirmation e-mail, and the website promised typical delivery of two weeks. In fact, the order arrived on the day I decided to contact them. Nevertheless, I am happy with the bifocals. To adjust them I bent the ear piece to fit more closely behind my ear. And that was it!

If you're as tired as I am of getting ripped off by your local provider of eyeglasses, I would recommend that you buy your next pair online. But I offer some caveats. First, stick with wire frames that you can bend if you need to. Second, be prepared with a set of jeweler's screwdrivers and know how to use them. You will eventually need to snug a screw that holds the arm in place or even the lens in the rim, although I haven't had to do this yet. Three, don't depend on them if you need eyeglasses right away.

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¹ Or, in New York city, "six hundred friggin bucks."