Are You Miserable? You Need This!

I love this parody of the Zoloft commercial. I can't embed it, so please click on the link to watch it:

Miserable Ovoid Creature, by Ian Wood.

Hope you like it!

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2011-07-23: Edited to change link from http://www.astonishedhead.com/images/OVOID_123.swf

One Advantage to Being Gluten Intolerant

It's lousy that I have to avoid wheat. But there is one positive aspect. I don't need to drink to get plastered. All I have to do is eat a big bowl of pasta to go off into la-la land. It's cheaper, and it's perfectly legal, too!

Magic Tricks

It turns out that I can perform magic tricks.  Specifically I can make things disappear.  But I don't quite have a lot of control over this ability, like when I will do it or what I will make disappear.

The other day I was nailing up a hanger for some beads.  I needed four nails, so I picked out exactly four nails from my box of favorite shiny bright nails.  I didn't want to bring the box to where I was working because then I'd have to bring it back.  A few days later, I needed more nails for another project.  But I inadvertently made that box of nails disappear.  My favorite nails.

This morning, I came back home from an errand.  I needed to shave and change my clothes before going to work.  First I picked my warmest socks out for this cold day.  By the time I finished shaving, I realized I'd made the socks disappear.  My toasty warm socks.

So far I haven't made anything re-appear.  I wonder when that ability will come?  Soon I hope.  Like tomorrow.  It's supposed to snow.

Husbandic Therapy

My wife was especially despondent after she realized the pain management doctor wasn't interested in treating her. So after assuring her that we'll find another one, as well a new neurologist, I suggested she go for another visit with the psychologist.

"Oh, he's no help at all. All he does is talk about his own problems."

"Well, yes. That's special 'Talk about yourself' therapy that's designed to make the patient forget about her problems."

It drew a chuckle, at least.

Dream: Epic Religious War

I'm at choir rehearsal. MD is conducting the rehearsal for her husband. She tells me that I can play bass on the song we're doing. I say okay, but I don't have my bass guitar here. I get up to leave. It could take me a half hour to go home, get the bass and come back.

I'm near the entrance of a large house of worship. I walk toward the altar and then go behind to meet the people in charge. I'm greeted by an Indian man. He calls over a woman to prepare me. She pulls out a ceramic pot that will be placed into the water, and I'm supposed to sit on it and float that way for some sort of Hindu ceremony. I barely float. Apparently I'm much heavier than the typical Indian man. So the man urges the woman to put a spell on the water that will increase my buoyancy. The spell involves stirring the water with something that looks just like a hockey stick.

Now that I am in the water, the Battle begins. I'm the target. My perspective has shifted so that I can see the Battle in the sky over a castle. It is fantastic and very alien. The good guys -- those who are protecting me -- are beautiful silver humanoid creatures with jagged contours. The attackers are very similar in appearance, only somewhat crude. Both sides float, sail in the air.

Rather than attack all at once, one attacker approaches (descends) at a time, and each time he is repelled by a defender. The defensive move is merely to get in the way of the attacker.

Another more powerful type of attacker now advances. I see a golden figure move into position to intercept it. This figure is half the size of his fellow defenders. Is he more powerful? Yes! He repelled the bigger, more powerful attacker with ease.

I've been keeping my eye on the Ultimate Attacker. This humanoid carries a dragon on his back. I realize that this Battle is the real battle, but it's being manifest in the physical world by a battle between human armies with guns and tanks. And the dragon is the Big Weapon that the enemy army has. It's a massive laser cannon. The dragon is eager to shoot his flame. But its humanoid mount is holding it back.

Dream: Combusting Football Player

I notice some people watching television intently. It's a replay of a down in a football game. By the time I start watching, the replay is over and it's frozen at the end. I see a strange puddle of green liquid along the wall in the end zone. From what I overhear, something very strange happened. One of the players underwent spontaneous combustion.

The network starts the replay over, but now it's zoomed in on the player. He's on his hands and knees, getting up after having been tackled or diving to catch a pass. Suddenly, green liquid starts shooting out of the back of his neck. He's clearly in agony as he covers his neck with his fingers.

I feel very bad for the player, but I also am excited that such a rare event was captured on camera.

Overheard at a Sleepover

Overheard at a girl's sleepover, sung to "Dona Nobis Patris"

"Donuts, Obese Pot Roast. Grant us Pizza we pray."